I Didn't Write This

It's Christmas in Nebraska,
And the gentle breezes blow,
About seventy miles an hour
And its fifty-two below,
You can tell you're in Nebraska
'Cause the snow's up to your butt.
And you take a breath of Christmas air
And your nostrils both freeze shut.
The weather here is wonderful,
So I guess I'll hang around,
I could never leave Nebraska--
My feet are frozen to the ground!

----Unknown

As Time Goes By

Last night a friend called me, freaking out because she had seen someone in a LSE cheerleading jacket with '08 on the arm. She felt old. We had a long wierd conversation about time passing. I realized that in that it has been 8 years since I graduated from high school, I am the same person that would have graduated in 1990 when I was a senior (does that make sense?). When I was 18, if you would have asked me what I thought about the people who had graduated 8 years ago, I would have laughed as I thought about their bad hair and clothing. They would have seemed so very old. Am I that old now? Do current high schoolers laugh at us?

10 years ago: I was breathlessly anticipating my 16th birthday. KT would get her license in 4 days and we would skip 2nd period (orchestra for her, study hall for me) and go to McDonalds. We would spend most of our time for the next couple of years driving around aimlessly. We listened to the new Alanis CD, Jagged Little Pill. I loved a boy named Brad. I worked at the Pantry.

5 years ago: I had just moved to Los Angeles, actually Torrence, with Dyl. I was working for a marketing company that was a big ol' scam. I was trying to figure out how to finish college. I took classes at the community college. I was breathlessly anticipating my 21st birthday. I got a second cat.

1 year ago: I was planning my wedding and breathlessly anticipating OCs because it was closer. I bought my bridesmaid dress.

Yesterday: Was a Wednesday. I finished up my paper for Intergovernmental Relations, so I am now done with this quarter. I only have 3 classes to go before I get that lovely piece of paper with the letters MPA on it. I was deliciously lazy and had groceries delivered to my house. I made roasted pork tenderloin. I developed a gigantic headache and went to bed early.

Time is a funny thing.

Cows...Part Deux

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.T
hey go into hiding.
They send audio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally > vote for the black one. Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.


CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal. A
rnold likes the ones with the big udders

This is the Kind of Thing...

That my husband emails me.

Monday, Bloody Monday

1) This morning I parked my car in the parking lot at work. I went inside. A little later I went back outside to buy a Diet Dr. Pepper from the machine. I noticed that my car was in the middle of the drive way. I had apparently forgotten to set the parking break. I had to push it back (I didn't have my keys on me since I had just gone down for a soda) and a million people saw me and laughed.

2) I find out this afternoon if I need knee surgery. Turns out that I not only have a meniscal tear (which I kind of knew I had), I also have a congenital knee deformity. That's right kids, deformity! "Every knee has a medial and lateral meniscus which are C-shaped pieces of fibrocartilage that absorb stress and act as cushions between the bones at the knee."
http://www.emedicine.com/orthoped/topic76.htm
Apparently rather than nice normal C-shaped menisci, I have disc shaped ones. Crazy.

3) Wonderful and fabulous mini-vacay to the Central Coast this weekend...pictures and details to come.

4) 12 days until I get to go back to the LNC! 13 days till Christmas! Keeping my fingers crossed for that gorgeous Dooney and Bourke bag!

5) If you are one of my L.A. peeps, don't forget to RSVP for the Holiday Cocktail party at chez nous on the 22nd!

6) Must go back to working on "Helping Teachers or Harming Students? An Analysis of California's Teacher Tenure Policy" How jealous of me are you?

Lates...

Thank you Margo for giving me a distraction from work!

7 things I plan to do before I die:
1: See my great-grandchildren
2: Visit every continent
3: Speak French and Spanish fluently
4: Celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary
5: Own a house
6: Own a pair of Manolo Blahniks
7: Get myself a spot on the distinguished alumni wall at LSE :)

7 things I can do well:
1. Cooking
2. Making conversation
3. Parallel parking
4. Playing Scrabble
5. Driving with a shift stick while talking on the phone and smoking a ciggy
6. Dancing
7. Multitasking

7 things I cannot do:
1: Math
2: Tell the difference between an n-dash and an m-dash.
3: Sing
3: Drink gin
4: Be patient with stupid people (but I am working on it!)
5: Watch movies after 11:00 without falling asleep
6: Go three weeks without a pedicure and eyebrow wax
7: Keep my desk organized

7 things that attract me to another person:
1: Pretty eyes
2:Conversation
3: Height
4: Arms
5: Smile
6: Sense of humor
7: Intelligence

7 things I say most often:
1: "Drinks after work?"
2: "District X is low in textbook distribution and is a key district politically"
3: "Dyl, when are you coming home?"
4: "That's why they pay us the big bucks"
5: "When I am done with school..."
6: "Back in Lincoln..."
7: "Are you KIDDING me?"

3 screen names I have:
1: Oehmster, the one and only screen name I have had since 1996
2:
3:

3 physical things I like about myself:
1: My hair
2: My booty
3: My feet

3 physical things I don't like about myself:
1: My freckles
2: My calves
3: My arms

3 parts of my heritage:
1: German
2: German
3: German

3 things that scare me:
1: Gory movies
2: Getting old
3: Cars merging into me

3 of my everyday essentials:
1: Diet Coke
2: www.pinkisthenewblog.com
3: Camel Lights

3 of my favorite musicians:
1: Dave Matthews
2: Sheryl Crow
3: The Cure

3 of my favorite songs:
1: Just Like Heaven (The Cure)
2: Hey Jealousy (Gin Blossoms)
3: Wish You Were Here (Pink Floyd)

3 things I want in a relationship:
1: Fun
2: Loyalty
3: Trust

3 lies:
1: I am looking forward to class tonight
2: The weight listed on my driver's license
3: I voted for G.W.B

3 of my hobbies right now:
1: Reading
2: Trying to think of hobbies to try
3: Not trying them

3 things I want to do really badly now (with a special someone):
1: Go to the Sweep and have a beer
2: Get on a plane and go to the LNC where it actually feels like winter and my mom would make me dinner
3: Be done with this part of my schooling

3 careers I've considered doing:
1: Lobbyist
2: Housewife
3: Nonprofit consultant

3 places I would like to go on vacation to:
1: Buenos Aires (Sept. 2006 baby!)
2: Ireland
3: Rome

3 kid's names I like:
1: Julia Grace
2: James Patrick
3: Eliza Madelyn

3 ways that I'm a stereotypical guy:
1: I can get ready in 5 minutes flat
2: I love Hooter's chicken wings
3: I love college football

3 ways that I'm a stereotypical girl:
1: I would have a baby right now if I could afford it
2: I love cheezy shows like Laguna Beach
3: I am cold all of the time

3 people I would like to see take this quiz:
1: No preferences :)
2:
3: