Twenty Questions

1: Last concert you went to: Does a guy playing a guitar at a bar count? If so, Kevin James

2: Junk Food you wish was fortified with Vitamins and Minerals: Coke

3: Local flavor from your home town:Valentino's. It's a local (in Lincoln) pizza chain that has the greatest pizza ever. They also have stellar lasagna and their creamy italian dressing is to die for. When I was growing up they didn't deliver, but praise the lord they do now. Unfortunately I was recently notified that they are opening up a Valentino's-land Chucky Cheese knockoff and I have since lost a modicum of respect for the Val's.

4: Do you make the first move?: I prefer to coyly flirt my way into getting him to make the first move.

5: Which do you log more hours doing at home: Listening to the radio or watching reality TV?Neither at home...radio in the car

6: Number of digital/computer gadgets you currently own:4

7: Did you vote in the 2004 presidential election? Of course

8: Prefered profanity: Fuck!

9:Do you sing or dance in the car?Sing, no dancing usually though

10: Best Classic Punk: Ramones, The Clash or The Sex Pistols? The Clash

11: When alone, bathroom door open or closed? partially closed

12: If you attended college how many years did it take you to graduate?5

13: Blockbuster or Netflix?Blockbuster...you get free coupons to use in the store!

14: Harry Potter, Series of Unfortunate Events or is it just wrong for adults to read kids books?Harry Potter

15: Favorite term for genitals:If not vagina then: Hoo Hoo If not penis then: Cock

16:Last movie you saw in the theatre? Sahara

17: Ever been to a strip club? So many times...

18: Bill you most hate paying? Electric

19: Better chef or baker? Chef

20: Movie you quote most often: Jawbreaker

This summer I will:

1) Get facials
2) Eat more fresh fruit
3) Go to the beach
4) Read books that are different then the ones I usually read
5) Learn how to be productive on airplanes
6) Hike Runyan Canyon
7) Shampoo my carpet
8) Not freak out about the wedding
9) Finish both of my classes with a 4.0
10) Continue to blog even if no one reads it
11) Try yoga
12) Find the perfect pair of comfortable ivory shoes

eharmony.com

So eharmony advertises that they have eight million people in their database. They let you know this because eight million is a lot of people. Of course you will find the person of your dreams if you have eight million people to sort through. This is what my co-worker thought while she was filling out an hour's worth of profile questions the other night. Turns out, that in all of eight million people, there was not one single match for her. She is young, cute, smart and has a good job. She reads, volunteers, engages in witty conversation and has incredible fashion sense. You would think that these are all desirable qualities in a person. Nope. No matches for her. She is depressed. I figure that it is just a sign that the people on that site are looking for dull, insipid, unattractive people, which peobably means that they are dull, insipid and unattractive themselves and she doesn't want those kind of people anyway. I toldl her that. I don't think that it helped.

Try it yourself! www.eharmony.com
(but don't blame me if it turns out that no one wants you!)

The bees are back in town

New office infestation: Bees.

Calling all U2 Fans!

Margo, maybe you can answer this one for me.

At the beginning of the song Vertigo, Bono says, "Unos, dos, tres, quatorze", which translates to "some, two, three, fourteen." Did he do that on purpose, or is he just really bad at spanish?

In honor of 4-20

I figure that since it is 4-20 (happy birthday Thom!!!), I should tell a story in tribute to your friend and mine, marijuana.

Once upon a time, I was a college freshman, sitting in my dorm room in Washington D.C. on a Sunday night, studying like the diligent student that I was. Phone rings.

Me: "Hello?"
TJ: "OHMYGODERIC'SHOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!!"
Me: "Why are you calling me about it?"
TJ: "Because it's really funny"

It turns out that my LNC friends had all gone over to Eric's house to drink and smoke up. The "smoking" balcony at Eric's house is on the second floor, and looks out over the garage. In all of their brilliance, my friends had been throwing their cigarette butts onto the garage roof, which also happened to be covered in fall leaves. Next thing you know, Eric's house was on fire. Luckily, since they were stoned, and had the requisite munchies, they were making macaroni and cheese. Seeing the flames on the roof of the garage, someone had the brilliant idea to throw the boiling macaroni water onto the fire. Unfortunately the six cups of water that Kraft calls for was not enough to douse the flames. Even more unfortunately, the half-cooked macaroni noodles that were in the pot with the water were now all over the garage roof.

While this was all happening, my friends were passing the phone around, each giving me their own version of what was happening. The also performed a rousing version of "The Roof Is On Fire". Eventually someone (and not the person generally thought of as the brightest person there) had the presence of mind to turn on the hose and put the fire out. All in all, one of the funniest stories that I did not actually witness.

Happy 4-20 everyone!

Dance Off!!!

I always knew that having a dance off was a great way to settle a problem!

http://entertainment.msn.com/movies/hotgossipb

In fact, I have engaged in many a dance off. Unfortunately for the spirit of competition, the other person did not know that they were participating...

Plagues and Pestilence

So, my office is infested with earwigs. First ants, then rats, now earwigs. I am expecting someone to come and ask for my firstborn son next.



I did find out, however, that it is a myth that earwigs crawl into your ear and lay eggs and then you get a headache and DIE. Not true at all. That made me feel a little better.

On the topic of plagues and pestilence though, I was wondering...when god comes for the firstborn sons, who is he really looking for? Like if god went to Roanoke, VA and fiance's parents didn't have goat blood on their door, would god come to California to get fiance? He is the firstborn. Come to think of it, his dad is the first son in his family too. So, is it ALL firstborn sons, or only the firstborn sons of the family-unit in the household?

Peter Pan Syndrome?

http://www.madison.com/wsj/home/local/index.php?ntid=35174&ntpid=1

When I become Pope...

Please embalm me!

"Barring unusual conditions, putrefaction usually sets in within about a week. At that stage of decomposition, bacteria from the intestines start breaking down body tissues and releasing foul-smelling gases and fluids. Pressure within the body causes abdominal bloating and the "purge" of fluids through the nose and mouth."

Ad I found...

You know,the one whose husband had that secret fetish. The Bree character was very upset when she found out....but she loved her husband, and to make the marriage work....she agreed to try the fetish for her husband. That is exactly what our Discovery Health Show "Strictly Sex with Dr. Drew" is looking for - a couple who has overcome one partner's fetish...where that partner was reluctant to diclose it but finally did...resulting in mutual participation with that particular fetish...or perhaps, you have participated in a threesome and that has caused problems. Please be assured that this segment will be handled in a tasteful & professional manner. “Strictly Sex with Dr. Drew”, will premiere in June on the prestigeous Discovery Health Network. The show will explore the world of sex in a fun, lively, conversational, and useful manner. Dr. Drew Pinsky, best known as co-host of the syndicated radio show and highly popular MTV program, Loveline, has become a trusted counselor to millions of adults across the country. THE COUPLE CAN REMAIN ANONYMOUS IF DESIRED. Contact Tina at 818/755-4800 x263 or via email.

Ad I found...

Are you like that couple on Desperate Housewives? You know,the one whose husband had that secret fetish. The Bree character was very upset when she found out....but she loved her husband, and to make the marriage work....she agreed to try the fetish for her husband. That is exactly what our Discovery Health Show "Strictly Sex with Dr. Drew" is looking for - a couple who has overcome one partner's fetish...where that partner was reluctant to diclose it but finally did...resulting in mutual participation with that particular fetish...or perhaps, you have participated in a threesome and that has caused problems. Please be assured that this segment will be handled in a tasteful & professional manner. “Strictly Sex with Dr. Drew”, will premiere in June on the prestigeous Discovery Health Network. The show will explore the world of sex in a fun, lively, conversational, and useful manner. Dr. Drew Pinsky, best known as co-host of the syndicated radio show and highly popular MTV program, Loveline, has become a trusted counselor to millions of adults across the country. THE COUPLE CAN REMAIN ANONYMOUS IF DESIRED. Contact Tina at 818/755-4800 x263 or via email.

Because I live in L.A...

I have to talk about cars and traffic a lot right? This morning I paid $2.69 for gas. I could have found some cheaper gas if I would have looked, but I was on empty and didn't want to have to call AAA again. Because I haven't ever owned a car bigger then a Honda Civic, the $27 I spent this morning is the most I have ever paid to a gas station. On second thought, there may have been times when I was stoned that I spent more than that on munchies from a gas station, but $27 is the most I have ever spent on gas. I am sad. I should have bought the hybrid.

Also in the car-related category, when I was in the LNC, my rental car was hit while it was parked on the street. My insurance agent is mad at me. Not my fault Monte! Not my fault!

O.C. come home, I miss you! On the radio this morning they were talking about heavy traffic on the 405 at Culver and it made me sad! But since you are on your honeymoon, I guess I will forgive you...

Look, it's Dylan! 

Living Will

Make a FREE living will at www.pjdocuments.com so that you don't have to end up all Schiavo'd.

Next time I'll be the one in white! 

Me and Court are HOT!!! 

Jennie looks like Audrey Hepburn! 

The Penis Blog

So last night on Gray's Anatomy there was a girl who was raped. As the doctors were performing surgery on her unconscious body the found the attacker's penis in her mouth. She had bitten it off. About 40 TV minutes later a guy stumbled into the emergency room all woozy and with lots and lots of blood on his crotch. Fiance made a joke about what if this wasn't the rapist, but another guy with a severed penis. This made me wonder...if you had your penis severed, would you rather have someone else's penis attached to your crotch, penis transplant if you will, or go without one?